Do you ever have that dream where all the strong progressive women in the country all get on one of those ridiculously huge cruise ships that are like floating cities with shopping centers and amusement parks and junk? And Ruth Bader Ginsberg is the captain, Gloria Steinem is the activities director, and Candice Gingrich-Jones leads everybody in tai chi every morning on the lido deck. Why Candice Gingrich-Jones? Well, because if you can go your whole life being the gay half- sister of Newt Gingrich without sticking a fork in his head then it’s probably a fair assumption that your chi is fully intact. The ship is guarded by an army of mermaids who sing “I Will Survive” and a female Pegasus that flies overhead. And she holds a PhD in combat theory and medieval weaponry.** And at night the ghosts of Elizabeth I, Catherine the Great, Joan of Arc, and Cleopatra all take the main stage and reenact scenes from The Golden Girls.
So the cruise ship travels around to all these exotic places where wide hips are revered and stretch marks are a sign of divine power by the local tribes. And in those tribes tradition dictates that on the eve of a boy’s 18th birthday he must prove his manhood by pleasuring a perimenopausal woman in any way she wants for at least 14 hours. And it goes on like that for about a year until the day finally comes when women who spend a lot of time together discover that their cycles have synced up. And on that magical day Justice Ginsberg turns the ship around and heads for Washington, DC. And as soon as the ship docks all the strong, progressive women of the United States head to the capital building and all the postmenopausal women get to dress up in Wonder Woman costumes and they all storm into the Senate chambers and every Senator who ever voted to take away rights from women is subjected to Chinese Titty Twister Torture.
And then an elite team of female black ops military personnel comes in with the severed head of Rush Limbaugh on a stick and they plant it outside the chamber doors of the House of Representatives with a note attached that just says “Keep It Up Assholes.” And then the women walk outside the capital building to find an army of PhD Pegasuses (Pegasi?) waiting for them. And each woman rides her own PhD Pegasus into the sky and the only thing heard is the guitar riff from Heart’s “Barracuda.”
Anyone else ever have that dream? Anyone? Just me?
**I know Pegasus is a male but this is my dream and I can do what I want so shut up.
Continuing with our 4 part series…
The clowns at FOX “News” took the giant pacifier out of their collective mouths last week to cry some more about how liberal comedians are always picking on them. In their defense of Jabba the Rush and the sewage he’s been spewing lately they resorted to that age- old playground battle cry : ”they did it firrrrst.” They are, of course, referring to Bill Maher who called Sarah Palin a “dumb twat” on his show LAST YEAR. Now I’m not going to argue right now about how this is like comparing apples and oranges. I’ll save it for later because it’s more like apples and unicorns. But Jon Stewart addressed the FOX
crybabies commentators last week on The Daily Show and it was pretty much the tastiest thing ever. Go watch it. I’ll wait.
Done? OK, good. Yes, among other things, that was Ted Nugent calling Hillary Clinton a bitch and suggesting that Barack Obama suck on his machine gun. Now maaaaaaybe The Nuge has a big ‘ol man crush on the President and the machine gun is just a metaphor for his penis. Or maybe it was in reference to an actual gun. I don’t know. I’ll leave that to the Secret Service or the FBI or whoever it is that handles the nut jobs who think it’s cool to incite violence against a U.S. President. And yes, that’s Ted and Mike Huckabee in what can only be called The Whitest Jam Session Ever doing “Cat Scratch Fever.” Not familiar with that little ditty? Let’s take a look at some of the lyrics shall we?
I make the pussy purr with
The stroke of my hand
They know they gettin’ it from me
They know just where to go
When they need their lovin man
They know I do it for free
That’s right. The “news” people who pooped their diapers when they heard that Common (aka “Tamest Rapper Ever”) had been invited to a White House event thought nothing of inviting Ted Nugent to sing his vaguely pornographic (not to mention mediocre) metaphorical song about lady parts with Mike Huckabee. Yeah nobody rocks like the Bee.
But I digress. Jon Stewart did a brilliant job of pointing out the hypocrisy of FOX or anyone on the Right to claim “poor me the big meanie left wing doo doo heads are being mean to us again” when they are just as guilty. I don’t care what your political persuasion is but you can’t have it both ways. If the Dixie Chicks are “traitors” then so is Ted Nugent. You can’t accuse comedians of hiding behind their comedy, and then try to tell us that Rush was just trying to be funny. Because he’s ”an entertainer.” An entertainer. Yeah, Rush Limbaugh is an entertainer like Hannibal Lecter is a food critic.
So FOX “News”…until you muzzle that rapacious, turd-filled tundra beast mascot of yours, go powder your ass and quit your belly aching. You’re grounded. Go to your room and don’t come out until you’re ready to admit that climate change is real.