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Good News: My Toenails Are Growing Back

Hi!  Remember me?  I used to blog here.  Yeah, I know it’s been a while but I have some good excuses.  It all started last Thursday when I was trying to plan my son’s birthday party.  I didn’t have a theme yet.  And without a theme I can’t choose colors.  And without a theme or colors picked out I can’t buy plates or cups or anything.  My mom was all “why do you need a theme?  Why does everything have to match?” And I’m all “Hellllllllo, what are we, cave people?”  I may or may not have had a tiny anxiety attack in the WalMart parking lot.

The party went down just fine.  But when it was all over I was fall down drooling stupid tired . I think one of those 6 year olds roofied my lemonade.  For the rest of the week it was me against the migraine/allergy tag team from hell.  I felt so bad I didn’t even watch any news, I read no news blogs, no newspapers, no nothing. And I honestly tried to keep track of all the medications I was taking but I might have exceeded a recommended dosage.

Or two.

One night I tried to give myself a pedicure and somewhere along the way I must have stopped paying attention because I looked down and two of my toes were bleeding.

So yesterday I finally felt normal (for me anyway) and came out of my medically induced stupor.  I decided to get on the information superhighway and catch up on all the current events I missed while I was mixing Allegra with Bartles & James.  These are just a few of the things I found.

And then I got another headache.

  • This scunt went on tv and betrayed women everywhere.  She is so stupid I don’t even want to talk about it.  I just like calling her a scunt.  Scunt.
  • The Catholic Church decided to cut funding to a non-profit group that provides health care to the poor because they decided to work with gay people.  Jesus must be proud to see that whole ‘care for the poor and sick’ thing in action.
  • A Planned Parenthood in Wisconsin was fire bombed.  Remember last month a fire bomb was thrown at the office of Texas Senator Wendy Davis (D-TX), a Planned Parenthood supporter.  Because nothing says “pro-life” like a bomb.
  • 7 people were killed execution style when a shooter went ape crap at Oikos University in Oakland, California.  Luckily, there were lots of federal agents in town that day.  Unfortunately, they were busy raiding Oaksterdam University where people were busy educating the public and complying with state marijuana laws.   At this very moment I’m watching Vanguard’s “The War on Weed” and it’s really fascinating so I think we need to come back later in the week and explore this issue further.  Mmmmmkay?
  • Xavier University decided to cut off contraception coverage for their employees because it goes against their religious beliefs.  The same beliefs they’ve had since they opened the school.  In 1831.  I guess they just forgot about those beliefs the other 180 years they were in business.

I may need another wine cooler.

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