Do you ever have that dream where all the strong progressive women in the country all get on one of those ridiculously huge cruise ships that are like floating cities with shopping centers and amusement parks and junk? And Ruth Bader Ginsberg is the captain, Gloria Steinem is the activities director, and Candice Gingrich-Jones leads everybody in tai chi every morning on the lido deck. Why Candice Gingrich-Jones? Well, because if you can go your whole life being the gay half- sister of Newt Gingrich without sticking a fork in his head then it’s probably a fair assumption that your chi is fully intact. The ship is guarded by an army of mermaids who sing “I Will Survive” and a female Pegasus that flies overhead. And she holds a PhD in combat theory and medieval weaponry.** And at night the ghosts of Elizabeth I, Catherine the Great, Joan of Arc, and Cleopatra all take the main stage and reenact scenes from The Golden Girls.
So the cruise ship travels around to all these exotic places where wide hips are revered and stretch marks are a sign of divine power by the local tribes. And in those tribes tradition dictates that on the eve of a boy’s 18th birthday he must prove his manhood by pleasuring a perimenopausal woman in any way she wants for at least 14 hours. And it goes on like that for about a year until the day finally comes when women who spend a lot of time together discover that their cycles have synced up. And on that magical day Justice Ginsberg turns the ship around and heads for Washington, DC. And as soon as the ship docks all the strong, progressive women of the United States head to the capital building and all the postmenopausal women get to dress up in Wonder Woman costumes and they all storm into the Senate chambers and every Senator who ever voted to take away rights from women is subjected to Chinese Titty Twister Torture.
And then an elite team of female black ops military personnel comes in with the severed head of Rush Limbaugh on a stick and they plant it outside the chamber doors of the House of Representatives with a note attached that just says “Keep It Up Assholes.” And then the women walk outside the capital building to find an army of PhD Pegasuses (Pegasi?) waiting for them. And each woman rides her own PhD Pegasus into the sky and the only thing heard is the guitar riff from Heart’s “Barracuda.”
Anyone else ever have that dream? Anyone? Just me?
**I know Pegasus is a male but this is my dream and I can do what I want so shut up.
You know how every once in a while you have a dream or a premonition? Or sometimes it’s just a good old fashioned gut feeling. And your vision is so precise and vivid that it feels real? And then hours, days, weeks, or even years go by and then that vision comes true? And you’re all “oooh snap, that was creepy but it was kinda cool. I must be psychic or something.” Anybody? Just me?
Well you may recall that a few weeks ago I was talking about Ted “Cat Scratch Fever Is Code For Syphilis” Nugent and his tasteless and violent remarks about President Obama. Well out of sheer coincidence (or was it…) I stated that his rant would be best left for the Secret Service to deal with.
Then I woke up yesterday and saw that THIS was happening.
That’s right. Creepy Molester Uncle Ted took the stage at the National Rifle Association convention the other day and gave an eloquent and moving speech about how by this time next year he’ll be either dead or in jail if President Obama is re-elected. Well certain people translated that to mean something like “if he’s elected again I’m not going to be around much next year because I’m going to do something to him.” It didn’t help much that Ted went on to encourage a room full of ardent gun enthusiasts to “chop the heads off” of Democrats in November.
I KNOW! Y’all, I’m obviously clairvoyant. Or maybe just extremely gifted. Ok, probably just mildly perceptive or something. Whatever. I’m going to get a crystal ball and start charging for this stuff.