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Good News: My Toenails Are Growing Back

Hi!  Remember me?  I used to blog here.  Yeah, I know it’s been a while but I have some good excuses.  It all started last Thursday when I was trying to plan my son’s birthday party.  I didn’t have a theme yet.  And without a theme I can’t choose colors.  And without a theme or colors picked out I can’t buy plates or cups or anything.  My mom was all “why do you need a theme?  Why does everything have to match?” And I’m all “Hellllllllo, what are we, cave people?”  I may or may not have had a tiny anxiety attack in the WalMart parking lot.

The party went down just fine.  But when it was all over I was fall down drooling stupid tired . I think one of those 6 year olds roofied my lemonade.  For the rest of the week it was me against the migraine/allergy tag team from hell.  I felt so bad I didn’t even watch any news, I read no news blogs, no newspapers, no nothing. And I honestly tried to keep track of all the medications I was taking but I might have exceeded a recommended dosage.

Or two.

One night I tried to give myself a pedicure and somewhere along the way I must have stopped paying attention because I looked down and two of my toes were bleeding.

So yesterday I finally felt normal (for me anyway) and came out of my medically induced stupor.  I decided to get on the information superhighway and catch up on all the current events I missed while I was mixing Allegra with Bartles & James.  These are just a few of the things I found.

And then I got another headache.

  • This scunt went on tv and betrayed women everywhere.  She is so stupid I don’t even want to talk about it.  I just like calling her a scunt.  Scunt.
  • The Catholic Church decided to cut funding to a non-profit group that provides health care to the poor because they decided to work with gay people.  Jesus must be proud to see that whole ‘care for the poor and sick’ thing in action.
  • A Planned Parenthood in Wisconsin was fire bombed.  Remember last month a fire bomb was thrown at the office of Texas Senator Wendy Davis (D-TX), a Planned Parenthood supporter.  Because nothing says “pro-life” like a bomb.
  • 7 people were killed execution style when a shooter went ape crap at Oikos University in Oakland, California.  Luckily, there were lots of federal agents in town that day.  Unfortunately, they were busy raiding Oaksterdam University where people were busy educating the public and complying with state marijuana laws.   At this very moment I’m watching Vanguard’s “The War on Weed” and it’s really fascinating so I think we need to come back later in the week and explore this issue further.  Mmmmmkay?
  • Xavier University decided to cut off contraception coverage for their employees because it goes against their religious beliefs.  The same beliefs they’ve had since they opened the school.  In 1831.  I guess they just forgot about those beliefs the other 180 years they were in business.

I may need another wine cooler.


Butt Hurt Pity Party Pt.1

Following our country’s politics is never a walk in the park.  Unless that park is in a bad neighborhood and is inhabited by psychopaths and rabies infested hell hounds.  While perusing the  news last week I noticed something other than the usual lying, pandering, and race baiting that we’ve grown so accustomed to.  There was an unusual amount of butt hurt whining.  So much so that I started to wish I had bought stock in Preparation H.   Of course playing the victim is nothing new,  but there’s something laughable about some of the most powerful people in the world crying woe-is-me.  So I’ve picked out a few of my faves to share with you this week.   So let’s get started with this week’s first entry in the pity party.

The Catholic Church is tired of rape victims ganging up on them.  Yes, you read that right.  Now before you get your rosary beads in a knot know that this is not an indictment of the Catholic Church as a whole.  But let’s face it: they got some bad apples.  Anyways, some bishops looked at the books and decided it’s more ”cost effective” to fight the victims who accuse their priests of rape one at a time instead of trying to fight the large group lawsuits that some victims file together.   There’s an advocacy group called SNAP (Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests) and the Church is trying to get their hands on their correspondences from the last 20 years.  Nevermind the fact that SNAP is not even involved in any of the cases.  For some reason the Church is just dying to get a peek at SNAP’s emails.  If I didn’t know better I’d say perhaps the bishops want to find out exactly who is approaching SNAP for help in order to head them off at the pass before they get together with some other alleged victims and try to take down the whole Catholic Church.  It could happen.

It gets better.  Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious & Civil Rights, called SNAP “a menace to the Catholic Church.”  In 2009 he did a radio interview in which he called the abuse victims “gold diggers.”  Billy D would also like us all to know that a lot of those victims weren’t even raped.  Yes, Bill because just being molested by your priest isn’t that bad.  You can listen to the interview here but try not to fall asleep.

It gets even better.  Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan, archbishop of New York, is fighting a piece of legislature that would drop the statue of limitations on sexual offenses for just one year.  This would allow alleged victims to file civil suits even if the abuse occurred long ago.  And Tim just ain’t havin’ it.  He admits that the Church did not handle the sex abuse scandals well in the past, but he’s mad as heck that nobody gives the Church credit for how they’re handling it now. And he’s tired of the Catholic Church being “the whipping boy.”  He’s also afraid that too many law suits could drain the Catholic Church of all its money, money that he claims could be used for charity.  Charity. You know, like that $26 million they spend every year  lobbying against gays and women.  You know, charity.  I’m no mathematician but I’m pretty sure $26 million could feed a lot of homeless people.  Maybe the Church needs all that money to keep Billy and Timmy stocked up on diapers and butt rash cream.  Who knows.

So cry me a river already.  To think that a few law suits could bankrupt the entire Church is just stupid.  And from what I’ve seen the Catholic Church and its priests have gotten off lucky so far. I could think of about 10,667* ways that the Church should have to repay their victims and not all of them involve money.  Speaking of money…just write the damn checks already so the victims can pay for therapy or help other victims or throw a big ass party.  Whatever.  I love how Cardinal Timmy thinks that a few years of intervention can make up for decades (if not longer) of abuse.   And as for Bill Donohue…well he can just go pound sand.  It’s a shame that the Church lets this hateful man be a mouthpiece for them.  All he does is cast a dark shadow over the good work that the Church does do.  Bill Donohue and Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan.  Welcome to their butt hurt pity party.

Miss Diagnosed

*10,667 is the number of people who claimed to have been abused by priests in The John Jay Report

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