McConnell: I’m filibustering 17 judges because Reid made Republicans look bad. That’s right. The biggest butt hurt cry baby of the week was Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell, the Republican from Kentucky. Now for those of you who don’t know, our country is in a bit of a crisis right now because we are short on judges. President Obama has nominated a whole bunch, but the Republicans don’t want to approve any of them. The last time they pulled this nonsense was with President Clinton (shocker) in 1998 when they systematically blocked his nominations as well. Back then Supreme Court Chief Justice Rehnquist chided his fellow conservatives saying that “vacancies cannot remain at such high levels indefinitely without eroding the quality of justice.” So what is so wrong with these judges that McConnell and his shiftless cohorts won’t approve them?
Nothing. Not a damn thing.
Mitchy Boy is just embarrassed because the Democratic majority leader Harry Reid brought attention to the fact that judges weren’t getting appointed. And tried to *gasp* compromise.
This whole thing makes my brain hurt so instead of trying to explain it I’ll do a re-enactment. It goes a little something like this:
Reid: Hey Mitch, our courts are really backed up so we should go ahead and vote and approve all those judges that the President nominated.
McConnell: No, we don’t wanna.
Reid: Well why not?
McConnell: Because the President is a Democrat.
Reid: Any other reason?
McConnell: Nope. The judges are fine. In fact, we’ve already decided that we are going to approve them. We just don’t want to do it right now. It’s more fun this way. *giggles*
Reid: Ok then. How about we vote on that highway bill first and then we’ll vote on the judges?
McConnell: Maybe next week.
Miscellaneous Reporter: Senator Reid, how come this Congress isn’t getting anything done? What is the status of the highway bill?
Reid: Well, we’re trying. But the Republicans are filibustering, so we are at a standstill.
McConnell: How dare you! How dare you say such things to make us look bad! That’s it! We’re not voting on the highway bill. We’re not approving judges. We’re not gonna do anything! We are going to fili-freakin-buster our chapped asses off. And it’s not our fault, it’s the Democrats’ fault because Reid embarrassed us. Now somebody change my diaper.
So the Republicans are filibustering to get even with the Democrats for pointing out that they were filibustering. And they wonder why they’ve been dubbed the most obstructionist do-nothing Congress in the history of ever. Maybe next week they can all double dog dare each other to finally raise minimum wage. So there you have it, the biggest butt rash of the week award goes to Mitch McConnell and the rest of the
toddlers Republicans running amok at the daycare Capital.
The Violence Against Women Act is making Senate Republicans feel bad about themselves. That’s right. The VAWA is up for renewal and Republicans don’t want to pass it. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “wow, that VAWA must be no bueno.” Are you not familiar with the VAWA? Well according to Wikipedia:
The Violence Against Women laws provide programs and services, including:
- Community violence prevention programs
- Protections for victims who are evicted from their homes because of events related to domestic violence or stalking
- Funding for victim assistance services, like rape crisis centers and hotlines
- Programs to meet the needs of immigrant women and women of different races or ethnicities
- Programs and services for victims with disabilities
- Legal aid for survivors of violence
Horrible, I know. All kidding aside (for now) VAWA is not perfect, no piece of legislation is. And it’s not the actual Act that is making the Republicans feel sick in their tummies but THE PRESSURE THEY FEEL TO RENEW IT. That’s right. These men are claiming that the Democrats are picking on them and forcing them to do something they don’t want to do, and then using this whole thing to make them look bad in an election year. Oh you poor wittle things. You feel pwessure? They’re twying to make you to do things you don’t wanna do? It’s all deir fawlt that you look ridicuwous? I bet that’s a lot like the pressure that…oh, one might feel when getting one’s head pounded. Or how one might feel when, say… forced to have sex. Or the embarrassment one might feel when trying to hide a black eye at a PTA meeting.
And you wouldn’t believe their reasons for not wanting to renew the Violence Against Women Act because they’re as ridiculous as John Boehner’s tan. You see, a few new items have been added to VAWA this time around. Things like protecting a woman from her abuser even if she’s an immigrant. Or like expanding domestic violence programs to include same-sex couples. Or *gasp* helping our Native American women on Indian reservations. You know, really outrageous stuff like that.
“I favor the Violence Against Women Act and have supported it at various points over the years, but there are matters put on that bill that almost seem to invite opposition,” said Senator Jeff Sessions, Republican of Alabama, who opposed the latest version last month in the Judiciary Committee. “You think that’s possible? You think they might have put things in there we couldn’t support that maybe then they could accuse you of not being supportive of fighting violence against women?”
Let me translate that for you: “The big mean Democrats added all that extra stuff knowing that we would have to oppose it and then they could say we don’t support women. Boo hoo I need my binky.”
Or something like that. The VAWA has been supporting and protecting women since 1994. And the last time it came up for renewal in 2005 it passed by unanimous consent in the Senate with 415 votes. No problemo. We get it. You don’t mind protecting women as long as they’re not brown or gay. Nothing new there. But to cry “they set this all up on purpose to make us look bad” is shameful. Shame on you. And newsflash: you don’t need anyone to try and make you look bad. You’re doing a fine job of that all by yourselves.
So let’s all give the Senate Republicans their butt wipes and rash cream so they can get hurry up and get back to not creating jobs or anything useful whatsoever.
Continuing with our 4 part series…
The clowns at FOX “News” took the giant pacifier out of their collective mouths last week to cry some more about how liberal comedians are always picking on them. In their defense of Jabba the Rush and the sewage he’s been spewing lately they resorted to that age- old playground battle cry : ”they did it firrrrst.” They are, of course, referring to Bill Maher who called Sarah Palin a “dumb twat” on his show LAST YEAR. Now I’m not going to argue right now about how this is like comparing apples and oranges. I’ll save it for later because it’s more like apples and unicorns. But Jon Stewart addressed the FOX
crybabies commentators last week on The Daily Show and it was pretty much the tastiest thing ever. Go watch it. I’ll wait.
Done? OK, good. Yes, among other things, that was Ted Nugent calling Hillary Clinton a bitch and suggesting that Barack Obama suck on his machine gun. Now maaaaaaybe The Nuge has a big ‘ol man crush on the President and the machine gun is just a metaphor for his penis. Or maybe it was in reference to an actual gun. I don’t know. I’ll leave that to the Secret Service or the FBI or whoever it is that handles the nut jobs who think it’s cool to incite violence against a U.S. President. And yes, that’s Ted and Mike Huckabee in what can only be called The Whitest Jam Session Ever doing “Cat Scratch Fever.” Not familiar with that little ditty? Let’s take a look at some of the lyrics shall we?
I make the pussy purr with
The stroke of my hand
They know they gettin’ it from me
They know just where to go
When they need their lovin man
They know I do it for free
That’s right. The “news” people who pooped their diapers when they heard that Common (aka “Tamest Rapper Ever”) had been invited to a White House event thought nothing of inviting Ted Nugent to sing his vaguely pornographic (not to mention mediocre) metaphorical song about lady parts with Mike Huckabee. Yeah nobody rocks like the Bee.
But I digress. Jon Stewart did a brilliant job of pointing out the hypocrisy of FOX or anyone on the Right to claim “poor me the big meanie left wing doo doo heads are being mean to us again” when they are just as guilty. I don’t care what your political persuasion is but you can’t have it both ways. If the Dixie Chicks are “traitors” then so is Ted Nugent. You can’t accuse comedians of hiding behind their comedy, and then try to tell us that Rush was just trying to be funny. Because he’s ”an entertainer.” An entertainer. Yeah, Rush Limbaugh is an entertainer like Hannibal Lecter is a food critic.
So FOX “News”…until you muzzle that rapacious, turd-filled tundra beast mascot of yours, go powder your ass and quit your belly aching. You’re grounded. Go to your room and don’t come out until you’re ready to admit that climate change is real.
Following our country’s politics is never a walk in the park. Unless that park is in a bad neighborhood and is inhabited by psychopaths and rabies infested hell hounds. While perusing the news last week I noticed something other than the usual lying, pandering, and race baiting that we’ve grown so accustomed to. There was an unusual amount of butt hurt whining. So much so that I started to wish I had bought stock in Preparation H. Of course playing the victim is nothing new, but there’s something laughable about some of the most powerful people in the world crying woe-is-me. So I’ve picked out a few of my faves to share with you this week. So let’s get started with this week’s first entry in the pity party.
The Catholic Church is tired of rape victims ganging up on them. Yes, you read that right. Now before you get your rosary beads in a knot know that this is not an indictment of the Catholic Church as a whole. But let’s face it: they got some bad apples. Anyways, some bishops looked at the books and decided it’s more ”cost effective” to fight the victims who accuse their priests of rape one at a time instead of trying to fight the large group lawsuits that some victims file together. There’s an advocacy group called SNAP (Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests) and the Church is trying to get their hands on their correspondences from the last 20 years. Nevermind the fact that SNAP is not even involved in any of the cases. For some reason the Church is just dying to get a peek at SNAP’s emails. If I didn’t know better I’d say perhaps the bishops want to find out exactly who is approaching SNAP for help in order to head them off at the pass before they get together with some other alleged victims and try to take down the whole Catholic Church. It could happen.
It gets better. Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious & Civil Rights, called SNAP “a menace to the Catholic Church.” In 2009 he did a radio interview in which he called the abuse victims “gold diggers.” Billy D would also like us all to know that a lot of those victims weren’t even raped. Yes, Bill because just being molested by your priest isn’t that bad. You can listen to the interview here but try not to fall asleep.
It gets even better. Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan, archbishop of New York, is fighting a piece of legislature that would drop the statue of limitations on sexual offenses for just one year. This would allow alleged victims to file civil suits even if the abuse occurred long ago. And Tim just ain’t havin’ it. He admits that the Church did not handle the sex abuse scandals well in the past, but he’s mad as heck that nobody gives the Church credit for how they’re handling it now. And he’s tired of the Catholic Church being “the whipping boy.” He’s also afraid that too many law suits could drain the Catholic Church of all its money, money that he claims could be used for charity. Charity. You know, like that $26 million they spend every year lobbying against gays and women. You know, charity. I’m no mathematician but I’m pretty sure $26 million could feed a lot of homeless people. Maybe the Church needs all that money to keep Billy and Timmy stocked up on diapers and butt rash cream. Who knows.
So cry me a river already. To think that a few law suits could bankrupt the entire Church is just stupid. And from what I’ve seen the Catholic Church and its priests have gotten off lucky so far. I could think of about 10,667* ways that the Church should have to repay their victims and not all of them involve money. Speaking of money…just write the damn checks already so the victims can pay for therapy or help other victims or throw a big ass party. Whatever. I love how Cardinal Timmy thinks that a few years of intervention can make up for decades (if not longer) of abuse. And as for Bill Donohue…well he can just go pound sand. It’s a shame that the Church lets this hateful man be a mouthpiece for them. All he does is cast a dark shadow over the good work that the Church does do. Bill Donohue and Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan. Welcome to their butt hurt pity party.
*10,667 is the number of people who claimed to have been abused by priests in The John Jay Report