Category Archives: Politics
Do you ever have that dream where all the strong progressive women in the country all get on one of those ridiculously huge cruise ships that are like floating cities with shopping centers and amusement parks and junk? And Ruth Bader Ginsberg is the captain, Gloria Steinem is the activities director, and Candice Gingrich-Jones leads everybody in tai chi every morning on the lido deck. Why Candice Gingrich-Jones? Well, because if you can go your whole life being the gay half- sister of Newt Gingrich without sticking a fork in his head then it’s probably a fair assumption that your chi is fully intact. The ship is guarded by an army of mermaids who sing “I Will Survive” and a female Pegasus that flies overhead. And she holds a PhD in combat theory and medieval weaponry.** And at night the ghosts of Elizabeth I, Catherine the Great, Joan of Arc, and Cleopatra all take the main stage and reenact scenes from The Golden Girls.
So the cruise ship travels around to all these exotic places where wide hips are revered and stretch marks are a sign of divine power by the local tribes. And in those tribes tradition dictates that on the eve of a boy’s 18th birthday he must prove his manhood by pleasuring a perimenopausal woman in any way she wants for at least 14 hours. And it goes on like that for about a year until the day finally comes when women who spend a lot of time together discover that their cycles have synced up. And on that magical day Justice Ginsberg turns the ship around and heads for Washington, DC. And as soon as the ship docks all the strong, progressive women of the United States head to the capital building and all the postmenopausal women get to dress up in Wonder Woman costumes and they all storm into the Senate chambers and every Senator who ever voted to take away rights from women is subjected to Chinese Titty Twister Torture.
And then an elite team of female black ops military personnel comes in with the severed head of Rush Limbaugh on a stick and they plant it outside the chamber doors of the House of Representatives with a note attached that just says “Keep It Up Assholes.” And then the women walk outside the capital building to find an army of PhD Pegasuses (Pegasi?) waiting for them. And each woman rides her own PhD Pegasus into the sky and the only thing heard is the guitar riff from Heart’s “Barracuda.”
Anyone else ever have that dream? Anyone? Just me?
**I know Pegasus is a male but this is my dream and I can do what I want so shut up.
You know how every once in a while you have a dream or a premonition? Or sometimes it’s just a good old fashioned gut feeling. And your vision is so precise and vivid that it feels real? And then hours, days, weeks, or even years go by and then that vision comes true? And you’re all “oooh snap, that was creepy but it was kinda cool. I must be psychic or something.” Anybody? Just me?
Well you may recall that a few weeks ago I was talking about Ted “Cat Scratch Fever Is Code For Syphilis” Nugent and his tasteless and violent remarks about President Obama. Well out of sheer coincidence (or was it…) I stated that his rant would be best left for the Secret Service to deal with.
Then I woke up yesterday and saw that THIS was happening.
That’s right. Creepy Molester Uncle Ted took the stage at the National Rifle Association convention the other day and gave an eloquent and moving speech about how by this time next year he’ll be either dead or in jail if President Obama is re-elected. Well certain people translated that to mean something like “if he’s elected again I’m not going to be around much next year because I’m going to do something to him.” It didn’t help much that Ted went on to encourage a room full of ardent gun enthusiasts to “chop the heads off” of Democrats in November.
I KNOW! Y’all, I’m obviously clairvoyant. Or maybe just extremely gifted. Ok, probably just mildly perceptive or something. Whatever. I’m going to get a crystal ball and start charging for this stuff.
So after Monday’s buzz kill post I thought we could all use some good news for a change. So today I’d like to share some of the more positive things that went down last week while I was in my Claritin Coma.
Remember when Martha Stewart’s friend was all “Hey Martha, I know you bought all that stock in my pharmaceutical company but things aren’t going too good right now so I thought I’d tell you before the info goes public so you can get rid of that stock before the fit hits the shan”? Well that’s called insider trading. And it’s illegal. And it got Martha a few months in the pokey where she taught all the gals on the cell block how strategically placed throw pillows could maximize their limited cell space .
Funny thing, it wasn’t illegal for members of Congress to do the same exact thing Martha did. They could do it, and they didn’t have to tell any of us about it. Until now. President Obama signed into law the STOCK Act. It basically says, well…no insider trading for members of Congress. And for extra shits and giggles if they trade ANY stock more than $1000 they have to announce it publicly online. Woohoo! Everybody has to play by the same rules! What a novel idea.
And for the record, I would pay good money to be Martha Stewart’s cell mate for 24 hours so I could watch her try to make potpourri out of weeds and twigs she finds in the exercise yard. Then after lights out I would talk endlessly about how I like to just go crazy and mix warm tones with cool tones and see how long it takes her to go out of her country apple scented mind.
Ever heard of John Derbyshire? Well he’s been writing for the super conservative National Review for a lot of years now. He has publicly stated that women shouldn’t vote and that black people are basically born criminals and they’re not nearly as smart as white people. Yeah, he’s a real peach. Well he recently went on another website and posted what is basically a manual on how to avoid black people and keep safe from them. My favorite part? “If planning a trip to a beach or an amusement park at some date, find out if it is likely to be swamped with blacks that day.” Makes perfect sense. Hello Disneyland? Yeah, I wanted to come to the park on Thursday. Do a lot of black people visit the Magic Kingdom on Thursdays? And how do you determine what day black people typically go to the beach? Is there some almanac I don’t know about?
National Review condoned this turd for years but this time Derbyshire had gone off the reservation. He drew a lot of unwanted attention to their site and what a big flaming bag of caca it is. So they fired him, claiming that he had “crossed a line.” The same amoral line he’d been crossing for years but what’s a little racism amongst friends, right? The best part was watching all his (former) co-workers scrambling like roaches when the lights are turned on to cover their own asses. “For the record, I never agreed with the things he said…I worked with him for years, I had no idea he was like this. He doesn’t speak for me.” ( not actual quotes but you get the idea) And my personal fave: “He’s bad for the conservative movement, we don’t all think the way he does.” Please. You know what’s bad for the conservative movement? Conservatives. And it’s definitely a movement, just not the kind they think it is if you catch my drift. But I’m getting off track. The good news is that Derbyshire has one less outlet for which to spew his racist, misogynist, homophobic bile . And good riddance. Go back to England you miserable, limey fart.
Yes, that’s really him.
Moving on. A bunch of gay students over at Brigham Young University made an “It Gets Better” video and posted it online. This is a big deal because BYU is a Mormon school. And the Mormon church really doesn’t like gay people. Like, not even a little bit. And BYU has a long history of being the worst school in the nation for gay students. Until 2007 BYU had a “no gays allowed” rule. No hand holding, no kissing, no passing love notes. And you could just forget about the All-Male Naked Twister Intramurals. Hell, until 2010 it was against the rules to even SUPPORT gay rights, because the Mormons are so rational what with their bigotry and three heavens and whatnot. The video is all about “hey we know what it’s like to struggle with your sexuality and your religion and it’s cool because God loves you just the way you are so don’t sweat it and we’re here to support you if you need it.”
I know. The horror. These kids took a real chance doing this video. They risk excommunication from their church or being disowned by their families. “You like guys? That’s it. Turn in your magic underwear and get out.” So big ups to the kick ass gay kids at BYU.
There was also this
Hi! Remember me? I used to blog here. Yeah, I know it’s been a while but I have some good excuses. It all started last Thursday when I was trying to plan my son’s birthday party. I didn’t have a theme yet. And without a theme I can’t choose colors. And without a theme or colors picked out I can’t buy plates or cups or anything. My mom was all “why do you need a theme? Why does everything have to match?” And I’m all “Hellllllllo, what are we, cave people?” I may or may not have had a tiny anxiety attack in the WalMart parking lot.
The party went down just fine. But when it was all over I was fall down drooling stupid tired . I think one of those 6 year olds roofied my lemonade. For the rest of the week it was me against the migraine/allergy tag team from hell. I felt so bad I didn’t even watch any news, I read no news blogs, no newspapers, no nothing. And I honestly tried to keep track of all the medications I was taking but I might have exceeded a recommended dosage.
One night I tried to give myself a pedicure and somewhere along the way I must have stopped paying attention because I looked down and two of my toes were bleeding.
So yesterday I finally felt normal (for me anyway) and came out of my medically induced stupor. I decided to get on the information superhighway and catch up on all the current events I missed while I was mixing Allegra with Bartles & James. These are just a few of the things I found.
And then I got another headache.
- This scunt went on tv and betrayed women everywhere. She is so stupid I don’t even want to talk about it. I just like calling her a scunt. Scunt.
- The Catholic Church decided to cut funding to a non-profit group that provides health care to the poor because they decided to work with gay people. Jesus must be proud to see that whole ‘care for the poor and sick’ thing in action.
- A Planned Parenthood in Wisconsin was fire bombed. Remember last month a fire bomb was thrown at the office of Texas Senator Wendy Davis (D-TX), a Planned Parenthood supporter. Because nothing says “pro-life” like a bomb.
- 7 people were killed execution style when a shooter went ape crap at Oikos University in Oakland, California. Luckily, there were lots of federal agents in town that day. Unfortunately, they were busy raiding Oaksterdam University where people were busy educating the public and complying with state marijuana laws. At this very moment I’m watching Vanguard’s “The War on Weed” and it’s really fascinating so I think we need to come back later in the week and explore this issue further. Mmmmmkay?
- Xavier University decided to cut off contraception coverage for their employees because it goes against their religious beliefs. The same beliefs they’ve had since they opened the school. In 1831. I guess they just forgot about those beliefs the other 180 years they were in business.
I may need another wine cooler.
Hey readers. So…what a week huh? Yeah I suck at small talk so I’m just going to jump right in here. It seems we weren’t the only ones that noticed all the crybabies running around with hurt feelings lately. Yesterday’s New York Times featured an op-ed piece written by Bill Maher titled “Please Stop Apologizing” in which Bill addresses the whining epidemic currently plaguing our nation. It’s good stuff.
Is anybody else watching “Awake?” What a trip that is. For those of you who don’t know, it’s about a cop who was in a car accident with his wife and son. And when he wakes up in the morning his wife is alive but his son died. And the next day when he wakes up his son is alive and his wife is dead. And it just goes back and forth like that every day. So he lives these two lives and he can’t figure out which one is reality and which one is the dream. The only ones he’s told are his two shrinks, and they’re both like “i’m the real one, trust me.” I don’t know about you but that would be a one-way ticket to the funny farm for me.
Big ups to Alert Reader Cody for pointing out a mistake I made on Wednesday’s post. I said that the Violence Against Women Act had passed in the Senate with a unanimous 415 vote. Yeah, there’s only 100 members of the Senate. I meant the House of Representatives. Duh. I swear I’m not a total idiot but I usually write late at night and I also take a lot of allergy medication. My bad.
Speaking of Congress…remember yesterday I told you about the judges that weren’t being confirmed because the Senate Republicans were filibustering the heck out of the whole process? Well, guess what? Harry Reid threatened a cloture on their asses and they made a deal and cleared the way to confirm 14 new judges by May 7. I actually learned of this a few days ago but I was saving it for today’s post. Like a sweet little gift for you. Know what else makes it sweeter?
Go ahead, guess.
Alright I’ll tell you.
And boom goes the dynamite. Yes, four of the judges the President nominated are openly gay. Why is that a big deal? Because it makes our judicial system more diverse and that is always a good a thing. Don’t let any knuckleheads tell you any different. Unfortunately, one of the nominees, Edward DuMont, withdrew his nomination because he just couldn’t stand all the Republican obstructionism. Imagine that. So congrats to Judge Michael Fitzgerald, Alison Nathan, and Paul Oetken.
Ok Kids, that’s all I’ve got for today. Unless some crazy shite goes down over the weekend that i just HAVE to get off my chest I’ll be back on Monday. Until then, enjoy this video.