Monthly Archives: March 2012
I have a confession to make. The world really bums me out. Like, in a “I may need to up my meds in order to deal with this shit” kinda way. Maybe I’m too sensitive. Maybe I watch too much news. I don’t know. But it seems that I can’t get through a single day without hearing about something that freaks me out, pisses me off, or just plain makes me sad.
And this week has been a doozy.
First it was this headline: Racist False Trayvon Martin Facebook Picture Being Circulated.
That’s right. Somebody created a Facebook page pretending to be Trayvon Martin with a picture of a saggy pantsed boy throwing a gang sign. And for extra shits and giggles the conservative media is claiming that THAT is who Trayvon really was: a gang banging thug, and that the liberal media is trying to hide that fact by only showing an old picture of him when he was a sweet little boy. Nevermind that the picture was not Trayvon. Those scumbags over at Breitbart who first released the picture even admitted it wasn’t Trayvon.
Look, I don’t care how you feel about gun laws. I don’t care how you feel about gangs. I don’t care how you feel about the media. Hell, I don’t even care how you feel about black people. The fact of the matter is that an unarmed child was shot and killed by a grown man and the police weren’t concerned with finding out what happened. Move along. Nothing to see here folks.
And then the FOX “News” viewers weighed in on the whole thing. (ugh) “Good shot Zimmy.” “Just another nigger. No loss.” “How long will it take to get all those little black curley nappies out of the white house…”
Classy, huh? And they’ll swear up and down that they’re not racist. After all, it’s not like they’ve done this sort of thing before. *like this* It’s not like they have a history of this sort of thing. *like this* It’s not like FOX editors have ever had to pull the plug on their own website because their readers ruined it with their back woods hillbilly mentality. *like this* Hello, 1929 called. It wants its racists back.
I know that not all conservatives are racist, as I happen to know many very nice ones. And I know not all FOX viewers are racist, but there’s definitely something hinky in the water over at FOXLand. If it looks like a duck, and wears a white hood like duck, and burns crosses like a duck…well, you get what I’m saying.
These people suck. I’ve got no better way to say it. I got no jokes. They’re just assholes poisoning the world with their hatred. They just plain suck. Even The Simpsons know it.
Prozac, take me away.
1. You find an autographed picture of Captain Kirk in the back of his closet.
2. He’s a jazz enthusiast.
3. He lives under the delusion that cats were ever, or could ever, be better than dogs.
4. You catch him naked in front of the mirror doing that creepy Silence of the Lambs pose.
5. You find out, through an anonymous source, that he was junior line dancing champion back in his hometown of Buck Snort, Tennessee.
6. He’s a vegan. The preachy kind. And you’re not.
7. You find a video of him dancing in girls pannies singing “I Feel Pretty.”
This post brought to you by CreativeWritingPrompts and sleep deprivation.
Hey readers. So…what a week huh? Yeah I suck at small talk so I’m just going to jump right in here. It seems we weren’t the only ones that noticed all the crybabies running around with hurt feelings lately. Yesterday’s New York Times featured an op-ed piece written by Bill Maher titled “Please Stop Apologizing” in which Bill addresses the whining epidemic currently plaguing our nation. It’s good stuff.
Is anybody else watching “Awake?” What a trip that is. For those of you who don’t know, it’s about a cop who was in a car accident with his wife and son. And when he wakes up in the morning his wife is alive but his son died. And the next day when he wakes up his son is alive and his wife is dead. And it just goes back and forth like that every day. So he lives these two lives and he can’t figure out which one is reality and which one is the dream. The only ones he’s told are his two shrinks, and they’re both like “i’m the real one, trust me.” I don’t know about you but that would be a one-way ticket to the funny farm for me.
Big ups to Alert Reader Cody for pointing out a mistake I made on Wednesday’s post. I said that the Violence Against Women Act had passed in the Senate with a unanimous 415 vote. Yeah, there’s only 100 members of the Senate. I meant the House of Representatives. Duh. I swear I’m not a total idiot but I usually write late at night and I also take a lot of allergy medication. My bad.
Speaking of Congress…remember yesterday I told you about the judges that weren’t being confirmed because the Senate Republicans were filibustering the heck out of the whole process? Well, guess what? Harry Reid threatened a cloture on their asses and they made a deal and cleared the way to confirm 14 new judges by May 7. I actually learned of this a few days ago but I was saving it for today’s post. Like a sweet little gift for you. Know what else makes it sweeter?
Go ahead, guess.
Alright I’ll tell you.
And boom goes the dynamite. Yes, four of the judges the President nominated are openly gay. Why is that a big deal? Because it makes our judicial system more diverse and that is always a good a thing. Don’t let any knuckleheads tell you any different. Unfortunately, one of the nominees, Edward DuMont, withdrew his nomination because he just couldn’t stand all the Republican obstructionism. Imagine that. So congrats to Judge Michael Fitzgerald, Alison Nathan, and Paul Oetken.
Ok Kids, that’s all I’ve got for today. Unless some crazy shite goes down over the weekend that i just HAVE to get off my chest I’ll be back on Monday. Until then, enjoy this video.
McConnell: I’m filibustering 17 judges because Reid made Republicans look bad. That’s right. The biggest butt hurt cry baby of the week was Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell, the Republican from Kentucky. Now for those of you who don’t know, our country is in a bit of a crisis right now because we are short on judges. President Obama has nominated a whole bunch, but the Republicans don’t want to approve any of them. The last time they pulled this nonsense was with President Clinton (shocker) in 1998 when they systematically blocked his nominations as well. Back then Supreme Court Chief Justice Rehnquist chided his fellow conservatives saying that “vacancies cannot remain at such high levels indefinitely without eroding the quality of justice.” So what is so wrong with these judges that McConnell and his shiftless cohorts won’t approve them?
Nothing. Not a damn thing.
Mitchy Boy is just embarrassed because the Democratic majority leader Harry Reid brought attention to the fact that judges weren’t getting appointed. And tried to *gasp* compromise.
This whole thing makes my brain hurt so instead of trying to explain it I’ll do a re-enactment. It goes a little something like this:
Reid: Hey Mitch, our courts are really backed up so we should go ahead and vote and approve all those judges that the President nominated.
McConnell: No, we don’t wanna.
Reid: Well why not?
McConnell: Because the President is a Democrat.
Reid: Any other reason?
McConnell: Nope. The judges are fine. In fact, we’ve already decided that we are going to approve them. We just don’t want to do it right now. It’s more fun this way. *giggles*
Reid: Ok then. How about we vote on that highway bill first and then we’ll vote on the judges?
McConnell: Maybe next week.
Miscellaneous Reporter: Senator Reid, how come this Congress isn’t getting anything done? What is the status of the highway bill?
Reid: Well, we’re trying. But the Republicans are filibustering, so we are at a standstill.
McConnell: How dare you! How dare you say such things to make us look bad! That’s it! We’re not voting on the highway bill. We’re not approving judges. We’re not gonna do anything! We are going to fili-freakin-buster our chapped asses off. And it’s not our fault, it’s the Democrats’ fault because Reid embarrassed us. Now somebody change my diaper.
So the Republicans are filibustering to get even with the Democrats for pointing out that they were filibustering. And they wonder why they’ve been dubbed the most obstructionist do-nothing Congress in the history of ever. Maybe next week they can all double dog dare each other to finally raise minimum wage. So there you have it, the biggest butt rash of the week award goes to Mitch McConnell and the rest of the
toddlers Republicans running amok at the daycare Capital.
The Violence Against Women Act is making Senate Republicans feel bad about themselves. That’s right. The VAWA is up for renewal and Republicans don’t want to pass it. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “wow, that VAWA must be no bueno.” Are you not familiar with the VAWA? Well according to Wikipedia:
The Violence Against Women laws provide programs and services, including:
- Community violence prevention programs
- Protections for victims who are evicted from their homes because of events related to domestic violence or stalking
- Funding for victim assistance services, like rape crisis centers and hotlines
- Programs to meet the needs of immigrant women and women of different races or ethnicities
- Programs and services for victims with disabilities
- Legal aid for survivors of violence
Horrible, I know. All kidding aside (for now) VAWA is not perfect, no piece of legislation is. And it’s not the actual Act that is making the Republicans feel sick in their tummies but THE PRESSURE THEY FEEL TO RENEW IT. That’s right. These men are claiming that the Democrats are picking on them and forcing them to do something they don’t want to do, and then using this whole thing to make them look bad in an election year. Oh you poor wittle things. You feel pwessure? They’re twying to make you to do things you don’t wanna do? It’s all deir fawlt that you look ridicuwous? I bet that’s a lot like the pressure that…oh, one might feel when getting one’s head pounded. Or how one might feel when, say… forced to have sex. Or the embarrassment one might feel when trying to hide a black eye at a PTA meeting.
And you wouldn’t believe their reasons for not wanting to renew the Violence Against Women Act because they’re as ridiculous as John Boehner’s tan. You see, a few new items have been added to VAWA this time around. Things like protecting a woman from her abuser even if she’s an immigrant. Or like expanding domestic violence programs to include same-sex couples. Or *gasp* helping our Native American women on Indian reservations. You know, really outrageous stuff like that.
“I favor the Violence Against Women Act and have supported it at various points over the years, but there are matters put on that bill that almost seem to invite opposition,” said Senator Jeff Sessions, Republican of Alabama, who opposed the latest version last month in the Judiciary Committee. “You think that’s possible? You think they might have put things in there we couldn’t support that maybe then they could accuse you of not being supportive of fighting violence against women?”
Let me translate that for you: “The big mean Democrats added all that extra stuff knowing that we would have to oppose it and then they could say we don’t support women. Boo hoo I need my binky.”
Or something like that. The VAWA has been supporting and protecting women since 1994. And the last time it came up for renewal in 2005 it passed by unanimous consent in the Senate with 415 votes. No problemo. We get it. You don’t mind protecting women as long as they’re not brown or gay. Nothing new there. But to cry “they set this all up on purpose to make us look bad” is shameful. Shame on you. And newsflash: you don’t need anyone to try and make you look bad. You’re doing a fine job of that all by yourselves.
So let’s all give the Senate Republicans their butt wipes and rash cream so they can get hurry up and get back to not creating jobs or anything useful whatsoever.